I used the site http://wordle.net to create a picture of words that I think of when I think of my son and his bipolar disorder.

Our summer started out rough, very rough.  I really thought that by now, things would have improved, but they have not.  We are having multiple rages a day, many requiring restraint, some requiring additional meds to get him to calm down.

He had a big rage at the park the other day because he was hungry.  We live 15 minutes from the park, and would eat when we came home, but that didn’t matter.  I had to sit in the backseat holding holding his arms so that he would not take off his seatbelt and attack his brother and sister.  It seems like we are always dealing with a rage, preventing one, or recovering from one.  I am truly exhausted!

We had a med change; an increase in his Concerta from 27 mg to 36 mg.  This does not seem to have helped at all, in fact, I dare say things are slightly worse.  One of the things I hate about med changes is going back in to the Dr.  “So, did the medicine help?” How hard it is to answer!  Sometimes I feel like I literally have to split hairs.  Well our intensity is down slightly, but our frequency and duration are up.  So is that an improvement??

I have been reading some other blogs and support group postings about bipolar kids and see these parents whose child is now 10 or 12 and I just don’t how we are going to make it that long.  My son is getting bigger and much stronger.  Restraining him is increasingly difficult.  His aggression is more serious.  I’m truly at a loss as to what to do.  If we don’t restrain, people get hurt, but we are close to the point where restraint won’t be an option.  Then what?  What can I do to keep everyone safe?  I would love to hear some comments of what parents do.

I must say I truly appreciate all of the comments that I have received.  WordPress does not allow me to respond to individual comments, but please know that I do read them.   It is nice to know that I am not alone in this struggle and that there are parents out there who completely understand!!

I could relate so well to some of what she was saying, especially in the “At-School Dr. Jeckyll and the At-Home Mr. Hyde” section.

So many times I have to post that we are having a rough day.  Well today I get to post the opposite.  My son has had a very good day- the first one all summer!  As a treat to reinforce that we are going to grandpa’s house for a special “breakfast” dinner and swimming.  I think it was Dolly Parton who said “If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”  We have a lot of stormy days here both literally and figuratively, so when a rainbow day comes along, we all must appreciate it!

I feel like we have turned back the clocks to last October, a point when my son’s tantrums were at an all time high.  He has been very unstable since summer started.  We have had to give a PRN for behavior and had to do more restraints in the past 2 weeks than in the previous 6 months combined.  He is completely destructive, extremely aggressive, and defiant.  Then he will turn around and be the sweetest kids ever.  We have had to walk on eggshells lately.  Today he damaged the shower doors in my bathroom- will have to replace a piece he broke, he damaged a regular wooden door, tore the window shades down and crumpled them up, and put bruises up and down my legs.  NOTHING seems to be working right now.  We did have a med change and I thought that was helping a bit, but maybe not.  We are on a physical and emotional roller coaster all day long and I am completely exhausted.  I don’t know where to go for help or what to do.

I signed up with a yahoo! group of some other parents of BP kids, but haven’t been accepted just yet.  I am hoping that conversing with other parents of young kids with BP will help.

Not sure if you can read this too well, but it says:

“By the time I think about what I’m gonna do…I already DID it!”

I THOUGHT we had gotten rid of all the spray paint in the house, but boy was I wrong!  My son found a lone white can and resprayed his car!  I am so furious with him.  I have now taken the chargers for both cars and locked them up for at least a week.  I am trying to decide if I should make him scrub the car clean again- obviously it did nothing to deter him.  I know he is impulsive and that is part of the ADHD/bipolar, but geez!!

Things this summer have been terrible!  We have had to restrain and punish like crazy and NOTHING seems to work.  He has had everyone in the family in tears; including my parents!  I don’t know what to do with him! I am completely at my witts end.  We called the Dr and she wants us to give him a few days on the new medicine, but I’m not sure how much I can take.  We had 4 hours of bliss today because he went to an anger management group for that time.  I wish it would have been all day long.

We have started a positive reinforcement chart in which he can earn happy/sad faces, and then gets a prize if he has so many of them.  Right now, he is earning a face every 30 minutes and if he gets 10 out of 12 by 1:00 then he gets a prize.  Then in the afternoon/evening if he earns 12/14 he can get a prize.  So far he has earned one prize in the past 6 days.

He had been doing so much better before school let out and now we have fallen down the mountain.

We have decided to try concerta on my son.  He had been on Metadate with a booster of methylphenadate in the afternoon.  Even with the booster, we were not making it to bedtime with out meltdowns.  Our Dr felt Concerta would offer a more stable dosage of medication.  We shall see.  We began the medicine this morning.  There is always a level of anxiety for me every time we make a med change.  Will things get better?  Worse? or stay the same?  Time will tell.

My son has two of the little powerwheels vehicles: a mustang and a hummer. He absolutely loves them and every day drives each until the battery is dead. Well today I was inside getting my youngest to stay in bed while my middle son was outside with dad. Dad was mowing in the back, and son was playing in the front. My hubby comes in to tell me that our son had spray painted his mustang. He found an old can of spray paint and decorate it to “make it look cooler for his sister since he was giving it to her for her birthday. Nice gesture, but geez!!! I made him scrub all the paint off, and luckily most came off. The scrubbing process took over an hour. I’m not sure if it will prevent another occurrence or not, but hopefully!!! I am including a picture of one side of the car. The joys of parenthood!!

Newsweek had a very interesting article this week about bipolar in kids. Several times while reading the story, I was not sure if I was reading a magazine or my own diary. I could relate to SO many of the events in Max’s life. Of you have a child with bipolar, or know someone who does, I HIGHLY recommend reading this article!

One quote that really “got me”: “There was one good thing about this strange diagnosis, she thought: at least it meant she wasn’t a bad mother.”

While the mother in the article had moved past this point of view, I think I am still partially here. I think that at times I use the diagnosis to “prove” that I’m not a bad parent. I feel for the family in this story, but can relate on so many levels!